It's mostly because of fear.
I'm afraid that if I don't fulfill this task, it won't get done. And if it doesn't get done, there can be repercussions, which trigger the fears of failing and disappointing others. I take my responsibility seriously, and so to feel like I'm "neglecting" what needs to be done causes all sorts of stress and anxiety inside. It can sound so noble-hearted, and so at times I’ve believed, but truth be told, it makes me a hot mess. I’m also trying to get over these horribly ingrained habits of independence and self-sufficiency that are driven by the fear that I’m not really enough or capable. So fun.
But that's all because I'm focusing on the wrong thing. I understand tasks and responsibilities are important and need to be stewarded accordingly, but I'm realizing they certainly should not be the primary focus and driver of my life.
Instead, I want to be presence-driven. Because the fact of the matter is, the tasks and responsibilities are not the issue. The issue is that I’ve allowed them to have defining influence over my identity.
I so want to be like Mary cause I think she was on to something. I'm sure she was aware of all that needed to be done that Martha was tending to, but she saw Jesus as the most important thing in her life. She recognized that knowing Him and His heart was her highest calling and true purpose, and that being faithful to Him above everything else, would actually empower her to do everything else. Because the more you come to know and experience His heart, the more you can understand and embrace His vision and priorities, the more Kingdom-minded you become. As you come to believe and receive His love, the less room there is for fear, insecurity, and shame (which all drive performance and striving in the worst ways).
Putting Jesus first puts everything else into proper alignment. He leads you where you need to go. He provides everything you need the moment you need it. Pursuing His presence is the true source of our life. Not our accomplishments or accolades. Not the tasks we check off our to-do lists or how many projects we complete. That can be so counter-intuitive sometimes because those things can feel so satisfying and gratifying, but we can so easily allow those feelings to define and fuel our identities, and at great cost. I know when I'm performance-driven, the moments when I feel good are fleeting and temporary, and more often than not I'm feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and insecure because the source of my identity is misplaced. We were created to be presence-driven and Kingdom-focused.
So I'm learning to seek His heart over my agenda.
I'm learning to release the pressure and expectations I've created, to receive the peace and rest in the Spirit.
I'm learning He cares more about my heart and identity than my performance and accomplishments.
I'm learning to trust that He is enough in, through, and for me. Every moment. Every day. Every circumstance.
Because loving and being loved by Him is the greatest joy, privilege, and purpose of my life.