This holiday season has certainly not been what I expected, and mostly not what I wanted. And I’m sure many people can say the same.
This past week has been particularly challenging. It has been what my soul desperately needed, but not at all what my soul necessarily wanted.
Loneliness.
*Cue the Enneagram…
I am a Two. Why is that important to announce? Because it speaks into the tension and anxiety I experience when I feel lonely, especially for long periods of time. You see, as a Two, we have this inherent “need to be needed,” if you will. We love people and we love helping people. It’s a blessing and a curse, as all gifts and strengths have their shadow sides. What’s important to note, especially in light of today’s conversation, is our love of and value for relationships. Relationships mean everything to us, as they not only provide a sense of purpose, but a source of identity as well (at least for me. I can’t speak for all Two’s as that would obviously be foolish). In relationship is where we shine. Where we have the greatest potential for impact. It’s how we’re wired.
With all that being said, perhaps you can begin to understand that to be alone then, for days, feels like torture.
I realize that’s an intense word, but it encapsulates the feelings of frustration, confusion, heartache, anger, sadness, shame, and fear one can experience in seasons of loneliness. It feels like punishment (at least, until reckoned with). For me, I felt lost and purposeless as there’s no one in your immediate space you can “do” anything for. There are no needs outside of you to meet. There’s no other heart to nurture. For we can easily find ourselves in relation to others, for better or worse. It can feel paralyzing in a way as you don’t know what to do with yourself, and then you feel shame for not knowing, and the downward spiral begins.
In my loneliness, I have felt exposed. Vulnerable. Unable to nourish my soul by way of relationship with others. And thus, I have felt helpless and powerless as feelings of depression began to creep in. I began to question my worth and value as I was not able to earn affirmation or validation by how I “show up” to others. Or, more truthfully, how I can perform to prove I am worthy of love and belonging. Yeah, we’re going there.
This week has been one of wrestling - of kicking and screaming in resistance to the very thing I needed, but the last thing I wanted.
Alone time with Jesus.
It’s shameful to admit that, but I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t the case. Because for me, being alone with Jesus calls for a deeper faith and trust than I think I possess, or that I’m willing to embrace. His invitation confronts my perception of whatever control and power I think I have in meeting my own needs. He convicts me in how I’ve been outsourcing my identity to everything and everyone other than Him. Most of all, He defies the imposter within by loving me in my weakest, ugliest, most broken and sinful moments - overthrowing the lie that I am loved only because of what I can “do.”
How glorious. And terribly uncomfortable. Good grief.
How we resist the only One who can truly love us.
There’s a lot I still don’t fully understand, which I think is the point, but I can tell you my experiences of Jesus this week have defied my false expectations of Him. What I mean is, He so graciously deconstructed the image of Him I created. Where I assumed He would agree with me in my self-condemnation and criticism, He speaks kindness and tenderness. He does not share in my disappointment with myself for He understands my humanity better than I do. Where I feel myself lost and wandering, He brings me home to Himself. He invites me to commune with Him, just as I am, no pretense or performing necessary. With Him, I am beginning to experience true self-acceptance and self-compassion that can only be found in Him. In His unconditional love for me that is beyond my comprehension.
“If I am not in touch with my own belovedness, then I cannot touch the sacredness of others. If I am estranged from myself, I am likewise a stranger to others. Experience has taught me that I connect best with others when I connect with the core of myself. When I allow God to liberate me from unhealthy dependence on people, I listen more attentively, love more unselfishly, and am more compassionate and playful. I take myself less seriously, become aware that the breath of the Father is on my face and that my countenance is bright with laughter in the midst of an adventure I thoroughly enjoy.” — Brennan Manning
I still have a long way to go, as I believe this adventure with Jesus takes a lifetime, but I am further along than I have ever been. Are there still moments of struggle and weakness? Absolutely. But I as I grow in closeness to Jesus, I can bring my restless heart to Him, resting my head upon His chest as John did in the upper room, and know that this is where I belong.